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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Sex, do it for the kids.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
My dog is eating. I`m sitting next to her, staring intently at her, making her obviously uncomfortable. Yeah, how`s THAT feel, mutt?