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I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?
I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.