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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
What’s the answer to this question?
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem