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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I’d say it’s been a success.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.