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If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.