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Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage