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No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up... In 30 minutes? in 3 hours? in 9 years?? no one can be sure
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I can eat a piece of pie without a plate or a fork what else should I write on this dating site profile?
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.