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SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.