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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" — Age is clearly a word.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
When we married, she treated me like a God. As time went by, the letters got reversed
Ya know what I really hate about mornings? People start talking to me!
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.