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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
the kids next door challenged me to a water fight. I`m just updating my status while the kettle boils
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
When I tell stories about people I don’t like, I give them ridiculous voices.
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button