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Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
If you need Facebook to remind you it`s your wife`s birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch.
You`ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
Some of the best memories I have are of times right before the cops showed up.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It`s acceptable for someone to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as they still go to the gym, right? I`m asking for a friend...