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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
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I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Tieam... problem solved
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!