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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
It needs more cowbell!!
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.