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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
High-five a veteran today.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..