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Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
It`s almost Valentines Day and I still don`t know what to get myself yet.
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought "that`s a fair trade."
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
one day a man seen a fairy, and asked.... could you make me irresistible to all women.... so she turned him into a credit card. :`D
My bed is half full - Lonely optimist.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?