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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
The Wizard of Oz is really just a cautionary tale about the lengths a woman will go to for the right shoes.
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
For the past 3 years I have been planning to write an article on Procrastination!!!