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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.