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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
I`m thankful for many things, but mostly that there were no camera phones when I was in high school.
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.