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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.