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According to my nipples, summer is over
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that´s how us guys feel about push-up bras!!
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.