Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
I hate in video games how penguins always use their ability to slide on their stomachs for evil
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.