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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
Porn can be so misleading. I quit my pizza delivery job after two days.