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Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I`m just wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.
My love is like a candle, If you forget about me, I`ll burn your frikin house down!
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.