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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
More people should be at a loss for words.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.