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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
“We don`t lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."