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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
You made several good points, and I understand that you are right, but the way you said it was so douchey I have to take an opposite stance.
In theory, sex should be grosser than letting someone borrow your toothbrush, but it`s not.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...