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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.