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Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I`m the kind of crazy you weren`t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?