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Sometimes when i`m following a recipe and it says to bake at 350 degrees, I will turn it up to 355 just to be a rebel.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,400 hours. Roughly the same as one Monday on earth feels.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.