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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Unless your kid`s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)