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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
They say swearing is due to limited vocabulary. I know thousands of words, but I still prefer`f*ck off` to `go away`.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
There is something so unique about me, that even I can`t figure it out...
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Been there, done that. allegedly
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?