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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!