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Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.