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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
I wouldn’t say your ugly, you are just beautichallenged.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm