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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.