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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
MAN LAW 101: No man should ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone’s ok with that.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.