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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it`s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach`s.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
People who learned a bunch of stuff must have felt pretty stupid when Wikipedia came out.