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Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
It´s Friday-O-Clock!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
If you don’t already hate people, the mall is a great place to start.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.