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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
A leaf blower, but for people.
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
There’s a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the “close this ad” button.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.