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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
The black sheep always have the best stories.
have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!