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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
My medical ID bracelet says "just let it happen"
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
I love all religions. They bring holidays .
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake