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My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to simply ignore you.
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
At this point in life, my greatest chance of having a threesome will be sex with a schizophrenic.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!