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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
If he only wants you for your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC by SIMO
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.