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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
The problem with coffee is trying to make it when you haven`t had any yet.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
I was thinking about jumping on the Patriot`s Fan bandwagon, but I am afraid that the tires would be deflated...
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.