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My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I`m heading north to start a new life.
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.