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My level of sarcasm is to the point where I don`t even know if I`m kidding or not.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.