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Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
I don`t have any skeletons in my closet because I bury my victims in the backyard!
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Lazy Rule: If you spill water, It will eventually dry.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.