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I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Those friends who like and at the same time unlike my statuses please you`re increasing my blood pressure!
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I`m watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.