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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.