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Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
It`s funny how my car drives slower on the way to work, than when I`m on my way home.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.