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During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
I grew up for this?
I love it when someone insults me. That means I don`t have to be nice anymore.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball