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I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become..
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
Some people should come with subtitles.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?