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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."