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I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I don`t think America should elect a president in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
Sometimes at the gym I`ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I`ll get my shorts on.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session