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Partying on my level requires years of training.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Someone’s therapist knows all about you.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
I`m not saying you`re an idiot. I`m just saying that....Umm how do I word this?? I guess I am saying your`e an idiot.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would`ve been a lot more interesting.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`