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My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.